Phyrie's Photos-- Mourning Doves in Arizona

[me123]

The big thing is that even though he had a strong opinion, he listened and heard you. You aren't a person with chronic pain, you are Phyrie who has chronic pain. He has come up with a plan for you. I hope you find some relief.

[Oliver & Henry's Mum]

Phyrie, I finally had a chance to listen to the tape. What a clever girl you are to record it!

I think his suggestions about anti-depressants, like Gabapentin (Oliver took that) is way off base. Clearly he is reluctant to give you anything stronger than a Percocet (or Percodan) which is somewhat understandable given the abuse of these drugs, but you aren't a kid who is going to have a life of being a junkie. Yes, the effects slowly wear off and the next step is always the next dose upwards.

While a tolerance to these drugs is inevitable, as you so rightly pointed out, in 10 years, the next option will be what? A little more of them perhaps, and what harm is that?

I don't like Psychotropic drugs, period! The second anti-depressants are mentioned, that start messing with one's brain chemistry, I become nervous. From personal experience by watching a "loved one" (not myself) go through trial and error with these drugs, it is NOT WORTH IT.

You need pain relief, pure and simple. Taking one Percoset per night is nothing. I'm surprised they aren't backing that up with a Valium, which is actually a muscle relaxer and it was only discovered as an anti-anxiety drug as a side effect. I had a dog who took Valium during Thunderstorms. (One for Sally, one for Mummy....I am so kidding!!! )

I know BC is the land of Peace, Love and Wheatgerm, but let's get real! You need the tools to manage your pain, and as you so eloquently pointed out, "why can't I just have a pain reliever?"

Yes he did hear you, but I felt his resistance to your requests were unfounded, and quite frankly made me angry. It's not like your 20 something and are going to develop a life-long dependency on narcotic pain relief, for crying out loud. Clearly surgery is not an option as you've had that, and it didn't work. I've never known anyone who is better after back surgery....ever!

The T3's are a waste of time and of course you've built up a resistance to them. Besides, they are full of codeine which makes a person constipated and cranky, which is no way to go through life.

There are drugs available to make it so you don't have to suffer so damn much, and it's about time they were given to you. Go and sign the "Narco" contract and let them keep an eye on you to make sure you aren't selling them or taking too many, but for heaven's sake, give you the relief you need to function! It really makes me angry.

I'm on your side, and I can't bear the thought of you suffering needlessly. I don't even understand the need for a CT scan, or even an MRI at this point, unless they give you the relief you need in the interim. If they do, then that's fine.

The protective side of me comes out when I feel you are being given the run around...anti-depressants, give me a break! Even the Psychiatrists are still "guessing" at the effect those have.

Feel better soon angel.

[Sadie G]

I couldn't really understand what your doctor was saying. I am sorry that you're getting such a hassle trying to get relief from the pain. Hopefully the new regime will help.

Just be very careful with the Oxycontin. I do know that one is highly addictive, but very effective. My MIL was on that for her back pain. Won't go into detail, but I've seen the effects of that first hand.

It will be a blessing when everything comes together so you can be pain free.

[Phyrie]

The new regime is going to be one 10 mg Oxycontin (that's the controlled release oxycodone) every 12 hours, with Percocets (Oxycodone 5mg/Acetominophen 325 mg) for any breakthrough pain. The Percocets are fast acting, and only last about four hours. The Oxycontins are designed to give relief for the full 12 hours. There are varying degrees of strength, of course, and I'm sure I'm starting with the lowest dose, although that is an ASSumption on my part, albeit a fairly well-educated one.

I didn't have the prescriptions last night, so I took a Perc (apparently that is the "street" name for this little white miracle ;-D) last night before bed. I knew it was working when I realized I was dreaming about the Oxycontin working, woke up, and felt fine! It sure is nice to wake up for no other reason except you need to pee! LOL! I am so used to being jarred awake every time I move, even a little. Tonight will be the first time I'm on the controlled release drug, and I'm actually looking forward to going to bed, just to see how they work! And that is certainly a new thing to me! I usually avoid it at all costs, and make myself stay up until three or so, so I'm so exhausted I MUST fall asleep. Doesn't always work, though, so I do become a bit of a blithering idiot, from lack of sleep.

Another nice thing: with our extended medical coverage from Paul's work, these pills are going to cost a little less than $25.00 a month! It's odd how cheap pain meds are, but when you need something that's on TV? Watch out! Paul takes Lipitor, and I just don't know how someone without private insurance could ever afford it! Hundreds of dollars a month! Ridiculous!

Anyway, I took the first pill today at about 4:00 (I would have taken it earlier, but I had taken a T3 just before noon, so I wanted it totally gone from my system before starting the new ones. I wanted to be able to tell how they affect me, so I thought it best to start "clean"). I felt a little light-headed, and a slight bit of anxiety wondering if I was going to get "high" (I DETEST being high: one of the reasons I gave up smoking dope all those years ago!). But the feeling settled down after 20 minutes or so, and I felt fine. Slightly muzzy, but not bad at all. I had a beer at about 7:30, and noticed no discernable difference in my "highness". OH! Speaking of beer, I noticed on the bottles of pills, the Percocet bottle has a nice, big "Do Not drink alcohol with this drug" sticker, but the Oxycontin only has the usual "May cause drowsiness" sticker! My Progesterone pills have that one on it! LOL! I would have thought the stronger drug would have more cause to avoid alcohol, but whatever. Hopefully, I won't have to take the Percs at all. Wouldn't that be wonderful?!

Deb, I know it was very difficult to hear what Kevin was saying on the tape. He wasn't actually suggesting I take anti-depressants, he was just giving examples of other kinds of pain control they can use. I was a smart ass to him at one point, and said, "Why couldn't I just be depressed? All I would have to do is take a pill!" I meant "depressed instead of having a screwed up back". He looked a bit shocked, but I laughed and he realized I was kidding. He's pretty good about that, although I did drop the "F" bomb once, and I don't think he approved of that AT ALL! He didn't say anything, of course, but when I thought about it later, I think perhaps he was a bit disappointed in me. But maybe that is just me obsessing over every detail again?

But all seems to be going well, so far. I will need a few days to adjust to the new meds, but I think Oxy and I are going to get along just fine! I've promised Paul I won't be an idiot and start some huge new project just because I feel a bit better. Then again, he brought home a ton of liver and heart to make dog cookies, so.... But that can wait until I get back from Vancouver!

Thanks everyone, for your kind comments. I will let you know how I make out with the new guy downtown.

[RubyJeansMom]

Phyrie, It's great to hear you're already noticing a difference with the new meds.
Good luck tomorrow with the injections. ♥

[Margie-Rex's Mom]

Phyrie- I'm so glad you are feeling a bit of relief with the new regime of meds. I listened to a bit of the video, but it's late, so might log off. (I'm on kid duty in the morning...) I will try to listen tomorrow.

Good luck with the injections tomorrow! I will keep you in my thoughts and send lots of positive healing energy your way.

LOVE YOU!!! ♥♥♥

[Oliver & Henry's Mum]

Phyrie, I think I did hear you say, "well, why can't I just be depressed" and I didn't take that as "smart ass", I took that as just plain "smart"!

I'm glad you are finally having some relief. I having been thinking about you and your sojourn tomorrow. I hope all goes well angel. Sleep tight and oh so pleasant dreams!

[Phyrie]

This has been an interesting couple of weeks in Phyrieland. Last week, I woke up everyday in the throes of a panic attack (or anxiety attack, I'm not sure what the difference is, but according to the symptoms on the Interwebs [where any moron can self-diagnose any disease from dandruff to leukemia] it's panic).

So, I would take an Ativan, my pain med, and a Gravol (panic is nauseating) and go back to bed. Until about three in the afternoon. I think Paul noticed I wasn't around so much. He poked me with a stick once to make sure I was still alive, so I know he missed me, at least on that day.

I tried to figure out what was going on. The only new thing was the new pain med, so I stopped taking that for a day. Didn't help. Started taking it, but only at night. Nope. Day? Uh uh. Laid off the beer. Tough luck, toots. As most of you know, my anniversary was Friday (on which I screwed up all Paul's plans for a wildly romantic public re-proposal in a nice restaurant by having another panic attack and sleeping past our ferry's departure time). By Saturday, I was beginning to think this life was not for me. Not life itself, mind you, just THIS one, with all the drugged sleeping and whatnot. I had only had a couple of drinks on Friday ( I felt too wasted to attempt too much boozery) and although Paul and I stayed up on Saturday until 3:00 in the morning (during a power outage: we ran the new generator and watched "Planet Earth" on Blu-Ray. I highly recommend this series. It’s stunningly beautiful, even if Richard Attenborough’s accented pronunciation of some words was laughingly difficult to understand. “Glacier” should not be pronounced “glass-see-er”.) I only had a few beer. Sunday was Grey Cup, and I didn’t have a beer at all. I know, I know, unheard of, but I didn’t know what else to do. I can’t give up the pain meds, so I figured I’d give this a shot. Now, I had already read (and talked to the pharmacist) that anxiety is NOT a side effect of Oxycontin, and it’s certainly not one of beer either. But I was becoming desperate. I didn’t want another attack. I would rather be dipped in acid and my skin flayed off with spoons. I would take any pain over these panic attacks.

I should say here that my fear (we all have one, you know you do!) is the inability to breathe. Suffocation is my greatest fear, which leads to a couple of my phobias (claustrophobia being the worst). And when I am in the throes of a panic attack, my brain tells me I’m not getting enough oxygen, which makes me frightened, which adds to the panic, etc… It’s a vicious circle, and it’s difficult to overcome. One thing that does help is the knowledge that you can’t die from a panic attack. Just knowing that really does help. If I can get ahead of the panic, in my head, and control my breathing, and distract myself (your brain goes nuts with fight or flight, and makes up all kinds of new ways to die) I can sometimes simply control the attack with my own sheer will. Which is good.

Which leads me to my visit with my doctor yesterday. His office had called me last week that my CT scan results were in, and Kevin wanted to talk to me. Nothing to worry about, but he wanted to go over it with me. Of course, now I had my own issue to discuss with him, too!

The Medical Clinic hasn’t had phones or Internet since the power outage before this last one, two and half weeks ago. How they do business, I don’t know. Kevin told me about this when I got there, as he was looking at a piece of paper, instead of his computer screen. Telus has given them an Internet stick, but it’s not reliable, and they still can’t get phone calls. And of course, since they put every one’s chart on computer, it rather ties their hands, patient-wise!

Anyway, there wasn’t anything in the report on my back that I didn’t know. Yes, it’s a mess, but we knew that. There isn’t a surgical option at this time, which is why we were looking at it, so I’m good with that. What the CT scan DID show that we didn’t know is I have a cyst on my ovary! My mouth just fell open, and I laughed my ass off! “Are you shitting me? There isn’t enough wrong with me, you guys gotta find new stuff?!” Kevin laughed too.

I told him about my history of panic attacks, and how I only usually have them a few times a year. I mentioned that I almost always have one when I’m visiting my parents in Calgary in the summer, “but I don’t think that has anything to do with it.” He arched one of his red eyebrows. Even I could see that was a stupid thing to say. I told him about my week. I told him I was laying off the beer, and had even stopped the Oxy for a couple of days. He said, “I really hate to say this to you, but I don’t think either of those is causing this.” I knew it hurt him to say that. Poor guy really wants everyone to give up drinking! We did the whole blood pressure, heart listening, temperature taking thing, and I gave Susan a tiny trickle of urine to test. There were some white blood cells in there, but they’re sending it out for more testing. Kevin was off to see someone else for a minute, and when he came back, he says, “Well…” and then he gets the most devilish look on his face, with a big, evil grin! “What?! What is it?! What’s wrong?” “Oh, nothing, nothing, sorry. It’s just, if I was a psychiatrist, I would be asking YOU right now what was wrong!” But that’s not his job, and I have a hard time believing this is psychological. Yeah, I know, and De Nile is a river in Egypt. But whatever… We talked about what to do with this new condition or disorder or whatever the hell it is. I said, “Let’s just treat it, for now, and if it gets worse, I’ll come back and we’ll have to do something.” He agreed with that, and we discussed some techniques to try to separate myself from the panic. He gave me a prescription for more Ativan, and said to come back if I need to take more than 2 or 3 a day. I said I would be back if I had to take more than 1 a day!

So, that’s about it. My back is fine (for now), but my brain is sick. OH! And I have a cyst, but we’re going to let the gynaecologist deal with that. I’m about due for another visit with him anyway, so it’s all good.
And I haven’t had a panic attack since Saturday, so I’m feeling pretty damn good about that too! *knock wood*

[Oliver & Henry's Mum]

...and watched "Planet Earth" on Blu-Ray. I highly recommend this series. It’s stunningly beautiful, even if Richard Attenborough’s accented pronunciation of some words was laughingly difficult to understand. “Glacier” should not be pronounced “glass-see-er”.

LOL!!!! My Mother insists on calling them that. I told her she was the ONLY person on the planet that pronounces it that way, as she is known for teaching me non-existent words, like "Woggle" (instead of Toggle).

Phyrie darling, of course Panic Attacks are psychological, and need a "Mental Health Professional" to help you through. They occur for a reason. A psychiatrist, who deals in "talk therapy" more than just dispensing more Meds is the way to go.

I am confident that the cyst on your ovary is nothing, but I'm glad it was seen and will be addressed.

I didn't even realize it was the Grey Cup this past weekend! "Bad Canadian!"

Phyrie, we're sistah's...I'm telling you to follow up on Kevin's advice and go and talk to someone. I heard something recently on the news about "new parents" (a generation too young to remember the life threatening diseases) opting out of vaccinations for their children. They obtain most of their information from the internet. That's dangerous. Certainly one should educate themself as best as possible, but sometimes too much information becomes "mis-information". Personally, I can't stand the "peace, love and wheat germers" who refuse to vaccinate their children. While that might be alright in their immediate household, they run the risk of infecting others and causing death to others. My sister, and one SIL tried that until they realized that no school would have their children unless they were immunized!

Panic attacks are of course something to do with our brain angel. I don't know about BC, but in Ont. OHIP covers Psychiatrists but not Psychologists. So far, I am not that keen on many Psychologists anyway. Go and see a Psychiatrist and work this out. It doesn't mean you're crazy, or "can't cope", or any other stigma attached to Mental Health. It means that something isn't right, and it needs to be fixed, like your back.

Everyone has a phobia (we all know mine!) but when one's phobia prohibits them from being able to function, it must be addressed. I think that 99% of the population would benefit, once they are adult, from sitting down with a professional and learning what makes each of us tick. Cyclical familial episodes could then, and only then, perhaps be broken. That would be a good start. I am talking in broad generalities of course. I certainly sought counselling when taking my two boys from their home, and forging a new life without their Father. I really tried hard to learn how to get it right. I'm not sure yet if I succeeded...only time will tell. I just knew that I didn't have all the answers.

This could be a wonderful new journey for you. It would be all about you, and you need and deserve that.

You know I'm sending all of my love darling. Remember to accentuate the positive.

(((((HUGS)))))

[Margie-Rex's Mom]

Phyrie - I'm going to give you the same advice about this that you gave me about my back in MICC: those panic attacks are the same "zing" as the back pain. If you are having them every morning, that means your subconscious is working on things your conscious mind doesn't and wakes you up. I know...I get them, too. In fact, I had a great of trouble when I was in college in my early 20's. No one knew about them until I had a huge meltdown when I was home on vacation. I won't bore you with the details, but I ended up taking the semester off to work thru my issues. Thankfully, I had a wonderful psychologist who helped me sort out the crap I'd refused to deal with. He gave me tools to use for the rest of my life on how to deal with stuff. Sometimes....I forget to use them. Hence the reason I am seeing a counselor now. She is making me pick up those tools again.

Deb's comment about it being a journey is dead on. Some of the time, it isn't fun. It's damn hard work. But once you clear out the crap...you remember how to really breathe again. The weight of the crap is off your mind and shoulders.

Please know this is said with all the love in the world. You are an amazing and wonderful person. You shouldn't have to live with this level of distress. Be kind to yourself and take the help you deserve.

[kian]

I can't offer any advice regarding panic attacks, I wasn't sure what one does to a person until I read your post. Your description gave me a new outlook, sounds very scary. I do hope you can work through it, and to ruin your day with Paul is no fun. I did chuckle at him poking you with a stick, that was funny.

I did listen to the voice of the Doctor, he sounds like a doctor.

The cyst.....just another thing in the life of being a female!

Hugs to you!

[Oliver & Henry's Mum]

Margie, I wish my Doctor had lived a little longer, as I know full well that I recently have required a kick in the ass to sort myself. Since my time with him was "recent" (it's all relative) I tend to reflect back on what he said, and what I learned. I find as I am aging, exponentially, I am finally, finally understanding all the things that didn't make sense to me before.

Life is a journey, and one that should be taken with the best possible Professional assistance that is required to live a happy and fulfilled life. I have two axes to grind in this life, and perhaps one day I'll have the ability and time to address each.

The first would be the overhaul of the Childrens' Aid Society in Canada. Blood is not MORE IMPORTANT than love....period. The second one would be the social stigma attached to mental health. Our brain is another organ in our body that needs to be treated from time to time. It doesn't mean one is weak, failing, incapable, or any other adjective one wishes to give it. What it does mean is one is seeking to improve one's life overall, and therefore have the ability to pass that knowledge down.

Some people seek refuge in their religion. Others seeks refuge in a bottle, or with a pill, or other drugs. The truly sane ones go and talk to someone who knows what it takes to make a person whole, and how to not just overcome or survive, but to thrive under the most adverse conditions. Couple that with going to Church if that is part of one's life, or talking to friends, with the goal being to better oneself.

I am totally not a fan of any of the psychotropic drugs. I've never taken them and refuse to even try them. However, I will take a "happy" pill when I'm extremely stressed or nervous just to get me to the other side and stop my brain from "over thinking". In the 50's, they were called "Mother's Little Helpers" and were certainly abused as a lot of women from that generation, as well as in the 60's, and a lot of women were closet alcoholics. As long as it all looked alright on the outside, no one need peek inside....Betty Ford was a pioneer when it came to shedding a light on that. 2 mg. of Valium is nothing. My dog Sally took 10 mg of Valium prior to a thunderstorm! Better living through chemistry, and ultimately I firmly believe in "talk therapy" but that shouldn't be a "life long" event.

It's a bridge to help one to the other side so they don't pass it down, and don't carry it with them forever. Mental health issues are also genetic, which has been proven.

Much like when a woman is first pregnant, the most delicate time is switching from the first trimester to the second, when the baby goes from being an embryo to a fetus. That is when most miscarriages occur. Once we're born, many psychological disorders occur around the end of the teen years, and if ignored and left untreated, end up being Psychosis or Schizophrenia. A year ago at this time, that was a huge concern with a loved one of mine. Fortunately, it ended up being just teen angst. You can bet though that I jumped through hoops to obtain the best help immediately as this is not a stigma, nor should it ever be, much like a back injury, or Migraines.

My Mum, God bless her, is a "head in the sand" type of person, but she had to be to survive growing up during the War living so close to the English Channel. They were bombed constantly, and to her it was a game to hear the whining sound of a bomb and see who would remain standing the longest, like a dare, before they took cover or laid flat on the ground. She is still that way and it has served her well. She didn't have the luxury of over thinking anything as mere survival daily was the goal. As Pink Floyd so eloquently put it "hanging on in desperate silence is the English way".

These are not those times, and there should be no shame attached to seeking help from a Professional so we can learn how to do it better, and pass that on. It used to be called "Shell Shocked", now it's called PTSD.

Phyrie darling, do whatever it takes to make yourself whole. You were a very young Mother and had virtually no time as an adult to even learn who YOU are. Now is that time darling. I support you 100% and admire your candor about it all.

Even though I know you don't necessarily "believe", I always keep you in my prayers as it can't hurt! It might even help.

Margie, you are too cool for school angel. I was thinking of you today when there was an advertisement for a school on learning how to be a "Massage Therapist". The part that reminded me of you is how you occasionally treat yourself, as does Kwak (btw we haven't heard from her in ages) and how I could really use a good 45 minute massage right now from one of those fellows I've posted in the Birthday threads! A girl can dream.

Sorry to go on in your thread Phyrie.

I loves ya! ♥

[Phyrie]

Thanks, ladies. You know, I consider myself a rather self-aware person. By that I mean that I know I have issues, and a past, and *stuff*, but I've always thought that since I am aware of them, they become non-issues. I've told my "story" to a few "professionals" over the years, and I am usually met with astonishment and sometimes even disbelief at the "stuff" that has happened in my life. You'd almost think I was making it up! Of course, my extreme frankness, and lack of self-consciousness in the telling, brings it's own form of surprise. So, because I acknowledge the lunacy that has been my life, I have complacently (even smugly?) assumed that I had travelled the road unscathed. When I think of my emotionally crippled sister, or my cruel, heartless brother, I feel like the normal one (and have been called that!). I am not one to dwell in the past, nor to lay blame for my own life's difficulties at anyone's door but my own. My flaws are just that, my flaws, and as such are incurable.

But what if I'm wrong? I don't mean about the character flaws. I know no one can "cure" laziness, procrastination, narcissism, or fickleness. I get that obsessive compulsiveness runs in my family, just as certain phobias do, and I can't expect a cure for those. But what of other things? And if I am "fixable", what does that say about me? If I am "broken", doesn't that make my life a lie? What value do I have, if I am so flawed? How have I lived so long without looking for help? Although I suppose I could chalk that up to the aforementioned lazy procrastination. Ah, it's just too much...

I don't know if we even have the suggested professionals in our community. But if this continues on, I will certainly be looking at other options. So far, I have been free from panic attacks for three days, so maybe just talking to the doctor about it has helped.

I am stupidly weepy, though. I have been since I started the new meds, so hopefully that will even out as I become used to them.

[RubyJeansMom]

Phyrie, I don't have much to add here, as Deb has covered it all, in typical Deb fashion. ♥
I do believe everyone can benefit from therapy, as we all have issues, no matter what we'd like to think. The HO and I have gone over the years, together and seperately. It's helped both of us realize things about ourselves we wouldn't have otherwise...mine, mostly that I'm turning in to my mother! Yikes!! I've tried to nip that one in the bud.

It's good to hear your panic attacks has eased off the past few days. Perhaps talking about it HAS helped, just image what a professional could do for you. HUGS

[Oliver & Henry's Mum]

RJM, you are so sweet, and so right! You summed it up perfectly.

I'm sorry I missed this thread on Thursday, as that was the day I didn't even go downstairs once.

Phyrie, don't use words like "flawed" or "broken". You would never say to that to me, so don't say it to yourself. RJM made me chuckle as through self discovery and awareness, she is turning into her Mother, which is perhaps something she wishes to avoid. We can only avoid these things if we learn about them.

This is about learning, and I know that when you don't know something, you do everything in your power to learn it. How is this any different?

Also, as RJM pointed out, just by mentioning it to your Doctor, has brought you a measure of relief. Imagine what might happen, and how you could perhaps still teach your own children a thing or two, if you took this journey.

RJM, I should also thank you for your forthrightness in this matter as too many people attach a stigma to it.

Phyrie, because I went to a Doctor and received counselling, my own Father could see the changes in me. Being a man who had to know everything about my life and try to control it (out of love and fear, which I now understand completely) he realized that if he wanted to "learn" about me, he needed to become a Patient, and so he did. This was a man who would never even consider such a thing, especially from his generation, and at one point told me to "forget all that stuff he told you, and just be our Deborah".

During the last weeks of his life, we had many heart to heart chats, just the two of us, and he often mentioned something I'd never heard him say in my life. He said his only regret was that he didn't allow us (Rob and I) to be "children" long enough. I didn't agree with that sentiment and told him as much, and spent years wondering why he felt that way. In my mind, he made my life magical. I know now. I also told him that of all the places I could have landed, angels must have been around me to give me the best Father in the whole world. All the time he was in my life, I felt safe and I really didn't want to know how it would be when he was gone.

It is such a healthy thing to do for a family, I believe. You are the Mum, and you deserve time to discover who you really are, and to be able to "let go" of certain things, address certain things, and perhaps do certain things better so as to pass it along.

It is high time things were about YOU!

As Margie also so eloquently put it, there are tools that we can obtain and hopefully maintain and pass along.

Stop thinking of it as "broken" or "flawed". Being the only one who is "normal" means that this is just one more thing that you don't know, and need to learn about....not on the internet, but one on one.

Because of you, I was able to have a real discussion with my son last night....actually both of them, but my talk with the "other" one came today when I asked him if he was aware of what was going and if so, why didn't HE tell me. I digress. Suffice it to say, you are always there for others, so now it's time to be there for you.

I ♥ YOU!