Turning 50 sucks rocks, big rocks...

[Phyrie]

...with slugs under them, and bird crap on top. Dirty, disgusting, moldy mossy rocks...

*sigh* I really don't understand why I'm so emotional about this one... it's just stupid.
I'm not vain, far from it. I know I am overweight (or undertall, as my daughter is kind enough to insist).
I have pretty good skin (NO SUN BATHING, EVER!!) and I haven't smoked in many years.
My hair is dry, but the colour is nice (thank you Sue).
I have a nice life. We are not rich, but we own our house, and drive a kick-ass car (that will be paid for in five years).
My kids are grown and gone. One of them is doing pretty well, and we remain hopeful the boy will mature one day (at 27, he's got a lot of catching up to do...).
If I didn't have these short people running around calling me "Grams" a lot of people would think my daughter and I are sisters, especially now that Gran's inheritance (her big Ukrainian butt) has found another home on Brandi's backside. (Jeez, that ass gets around!)
My husband of 32 years is a good guy, who works hard to support me.
I haven't worked for 15 years because of my disability, but I keep busy with my computers, books, movies, and other hobbies, the latest of which is fine art, which I may, one day, become good at.
I have my wonderful dog, although he's in worse shape than I am most of the time! Poor, poor Kiba.
My parents are well, and so’s my Grandpa.
My life is pretty good. So why am I sitting here all weepy and depressed about a STUPID BIRTHDAY??!!??

My husband had a bad time with 40. He was depressed for a year!! I had sympathy for him, but I didn’t really understand why he felt so bad. Now I know how he felt. This last couple of weeks has been bad… What is wrong with me??

And my daughter sent me an email last night, asking me what I wanted for my birthday!! It’s in three days!! I told her weeks and weeks ago I wanted a big deal, a party, something. And she hasn’t even thought about a gift yet?! I am totally pissed off at her… And today, there wasn’t even a card in the mail from my mother. WTF? I know she has two more days, but jeez, that’s cutting it a little close, isn’t it?

So, I’m sitting here, feeling all sorry for myself… Blah blah blah… I sure hope I feel better AFTER this weekend…

Phyrie

[RubyJeansMom]

Phyrie,

I had a hard time when I turned 46...weird, I know. I figured it was because, even though I had a good life, great husband, nice home and my dogs, it hadn't turned out exactly as I had dreamed when I was younger.
I never had a chance to go to college, and ended up working in an office for the past 33 years. It always seems as if I'm still waiting for something big to happen in my life. Great pep talk, huh...me, me, me...LOL

Anyway, I hope your spirits pick up soon.
Hey, maybe they're planning a big party for you and that's why they're acting so nonchalant. You never know!

RJM

[Phyrie]

I wish a party was in the offing, but, alas, I know we are going to Vancouver to the casino/hotel. Which I'm NOT bitching about, mind you. I am NOT an ungrateful bitch, and I really appreciate my husband taking the initiative and making the plans all by himself. He usually leaves such things up to me, even asks me to tell him what to get for my gifts. Right down to ordering the one model I want! LOL! He IS more than capable of coming up with wonderful gift ideas on his own, but he likes to have some "cannot fail" choices to choose from.

I would be delighted to see my parents surprise me at the hotel, but it is so expensive to fly from Calgary, and they are leaving to Arizona for the winter in a few weeks, that I really don't expect that particular event to take place. I KNOW my daughter can't go, as she's in nursing school and unemployed during her training, so she sure as hell can't afford it either. She was pissed at my husband that he went ahead and made his plans without her, but I had told her weeks and weeks ago to talk to him about a possible party (I think I said something like, "Hell, YES, I want a party! And a damn big one, with lots of big expensive presents!") and she never got around to it, so, ya snooze, ya lose.

Feel free to "me, me, me" all you want! Makes me feel a little less selfish, and a little more comradeship!

Phyrie

[Oliver & Henry's Mum]

Phyrie, it's alright to be reflective as you approach one of life's milestones. I always find the 5 year birthdays to be the hardest, like 35 or 45 as I'm anticipating the next "big one". By the time that rolls around, I've had 4 years to think about it, so I'm past it.

You know age is just a number. Nothing will change from the day you were 49 until the following day when you turn 50, except a page on a calendar. I'm sending along a hug, and my shoulder is always available. I'll raise a glass of wine to you dear friend...on the 15th! Enjoy your birthday as I know Paul will have done his very best to make it special for you.

[RubyJeansMom]

Feel free to "me, me, me" all you want! Makes me feel a little less selfish, and a little more comradeship!

Phyrie

Awww, you're not being selfish at all. You did tell them you wanted a big party with with bigger presents...it's the least they could do!

How nice of your husband to make all the plans on his own, that says so much right there. He really wants to make this special, and it sounds like he has a nice weekend planned for you. Enjoy

RJM

[Phyrie]

Thanks, ladies. I KNOW how silly it is, really I do, but I can't stop feeling this odd sense of loss. I think you may have hit it on the head, RJM. Although I am not given to self-comtemplation, instead tend to rush in where fools fear and all that, but perhaps it is the sense of a life not lived, or lived badly, or without enough care. I don't know... I do know that I wasted a lot of years angry, but I was vindicated, if not by the courts, at least by the support of my family. I learned whom I could trust and whom I couldn't, and although painful (Grandpa, why didn't you believe me??), my ever shrinking circle became more precious.

I wish I was a better person. I know that my character is flawed, deeply in some aspects, but I've learned to live with my defects. I have no other choice! But I wonder, if... If I had had more maternal love, would my son have avoided drugs? If I was more patient, would my sister not be so hung up on convention that she can't move? If I hadn't left my brother and sister when I moved out at 16, would they have so many problems? I wish so many things...

I KNOW I am a better person than I used to be. But I feel lacking. I have to wonder how someone gets to be this old, and not KNOW enough. I am playing catch-up everyday, trying to cram in as much as I can. I READ, READ, READ everything. I won't allow myself to ask what is that? without finding out. I am so envious of kids like Snoops, who, although ridiculously young, already knows the value of well-rounded education, and is doing her best to achieve that for herself. What a marvellous gift, that knowledge of knowledge! I had the opportunity to take that for myself, but I blew it on boys and pot and getting out of my parent’s house. I know, and acknowledge, the fact that if I hadn’t left when I did, I would be as crazy as my sister, or as angry as my brother, but I still wish I had finished school and learned as much as I could, when I was young.

I am very grateful that my mother and I have learned to be friends. We are friends, and I feel I can tell her anything. She knows I will never lie to her, and will always tell her the truth (which ARE two different things, BTW). I had it out with my father years ago, and I have forgiven him for my childhood, and we are friends too. He respects me, and my husband, and that is HUGE, in my mind.

So, I guess it boils down to, I wish I had done better, and somehow 50 seems like an ending, rather than a beginning. As Deb says, it’s just a number, but it doesn’t feel that way, at least not right now… I’m sure I will get over it soon, but right now, I’m sad. For no other reason than I’m turning 50. What a silly reason to be sad…

Phyrie

[sunshineangel]

Age is just a number. I laughed off 40, and will probably laugh off 50 too. Live life to it's fullest every second of the day. Life is short, 50 is a milestone...celebrate Life, instead of Age. My husband will be turning 50 in two years, and I plan to throw him a bIg Bash and take him on Vacation to the sea. As long as you are still walking, and breathing...Age is just a number.

[RubyJeansMom]

Hope this Kiba looking fellow will put a smile on your face!

RJM

[kian]

We were just talking about this with a friend that came to visit last night. We talked about things we wish we could go back and change and things we wish we had done differently. I want to finish college, I now know what I want to be when I grow up and I would not have married my first idiot husband and ruin by daughters life with a broken home, sharing life with her step brothers and sisters ... (who I love dearly)....blah....blah....blah..... There about me. Now the good stuff: (I say we, it includes you!)

I am past 50, just turned 52 and have already got the senior discounts (I love that, I earned it)

We are wiser and while we cannot change the past, we can change our future.
We enjoy our grandkids and don't have to get up early, put up with their whining too much, worry about school lunches, homework and making them do chores. We can sleep in!
We are still very much alive, even though our bodies remind us we are older and slower. We can travel at our desire, indulge ourselves a little more and we can bring home a special treat and not have the kids whine "where is mine".
We may not be at that ideal weight, our hair texture is changing, things on our body are moving south, but heck we can still laugh at ourselves, admit we aren't perfect, and accept things we cannot change.
We can sit on the porch (at least I can on mine) and watch the world go by, we aren't in a hurry, we can enjoy the changing of the seasons and we don't have to pressure ourselves to be part of the rat race anymore.
Our husbands work, they are good men. We are thankful for that, they still love us in spite of our flaws and imperfections.
We have time to read, pursue art, enjoy online friends (yes we can work a computer!) if we don't get it done today, there is always tomorrow.

So here's to another milestone, a number that doesn't change who we are. I hold my drink up to you Phyrie (sorry, the hardest I drink is Vanilla coke which I will get in honor of your birthday!) Whine, reflect, ponder the future, whatever it takes, then in Phyrie style, get out those art tools, read a book, love Kiba and Paul, and pick yourself up and hold you head high and say "DANG IT I AM 50 AND YOUR NOT, DON'T BUG ME" heh, heh......

[Phyrie]

Kian, have I mentioned lately that I love you?

Well, I do.

Thank you.

Phyrie

[Phyrie]

RJM, thanks for that! I WISH Kiba had nice ears like that, but I think once he's feeling better his coat will look nicer. He had a shower with Paul last night, and he's smelling all fresh and nice, at least! Since he's guarding his back when he pees, he tends to shoot his piddle right up the middle, and he hits the feathering on his front legs, a LOT!! Poor, smelly, Kiba!

How nice it is that a person can come on here and whine her little face off and not be taken to task for it... Indeed, she is supported and understood and empathized with. You all rock! Thanks so much.

One more day.

I think there may be something in the wind. I came back to the living room unexpectedly from the kitchen and caught Paul on the phone last night, and he startled and hung up, so whoever suggested a surprise in the offing may be closer to the mark than I thought. We'll see...

Phyrie

[Deerie me]

Oh Phyrie!

I can't help wondering if some of this is an outpouring of that pent up emotion and worry over Kiba. Whatever it is you are old enough to decide exactly how you feel about turning fifty and if you want to wallow for a little bit then you are perfectly entitled. Hopefully your weekend will live up to your hopes and you will have a wonderful time with all the people you love and this temporary gloominess will be forgotten.

Love and hugs

[kian]

Back at you Phyrie!

[Phyrie]

Oh Phyrie!

I can't help wondering if some of this is an outpouring of that pent up emotion and worry over Kiba. Whatever it is you are old enough to decide exactly how you feel about turning fifty and if you want to wallow for a little bit then you are perfectly entitled. Hopefully your weekend will live up to your hopes and you will have a wonderful time with all the people you love and this temporary gloominess will be forgotten.

Love and hugs

Hi Tracy,
I'm sure you're right. Thank you. Although not a "wallower" by nature, I do feel a little indulgent wallowing is not unwarranted. I'm sure I will perk up tomorrow. I have NO idea what Paul is giving me as a gift, which is very unusual for me, but I'm sure he's done a great job. I really do enjoy presents...

Phyrie

[Deerie me]

I tried to be gracious over my birthday as we had just been to Paris but I was disappointed especially over only getting four birthday cards. I had lots of facebook messages but that is a bit of a cop out. Paris was lovely but it was for my friend's birthday and the whole trip was her idea so my birthday wasn't mentioned and rightly so.

I have a kitten sitting on my shoulder purring in my ear.

I think you are going to have a beautiful surprise. Hope so!

If not you can enjoy 11 months bitching about it so they don't forget for next year